Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Catching Up

I had originally wanted to chronicle my injury as much for me, as to tell the tale, so to speak.  The thing is now I feel ambiguous about the whole chronicle-ly thing.

One of the first things I became deeply aware of throughout this process of getting hurt, going to the hospital, and now healing has been a sense that I was being tempted.  I guess that sounds sort of crazy.  I do not typically walk around with a sense of the Devil or temptation or anything else of biblical proportions.  I mean, who am I?  No one, that's who.  Not worthy of a speck's attention much less our Lord's.

Nonetheless, I have felt His hand on me throughout this whole ordeal and it has awed and humbled me.  But there was something else there too.  There was this . . . flattery.  This whole weird pride thing was beginning to happen.  My parents are impressed, my doctors are impressed, readers write to tell me of my strength, friends compliment my endurance . . .  the thing is this is not me.  This endurance and strength and 'presence of mind'-- none of it belongs to me.  It belongs to God.  It all belongs to the King of the Universe, but not me.  So there has been this temptation, this terrible temptation, lurking behind every turn, every compliment, every demure response to say:

Yes!  I did that!  I am that strong!  I am that woman, who fell without a noise, gritted my teeth and bore it.  Me, alone, by myself.

 But that is a lie.  There is nothing here that belongs to me.  God saved me during those terrible moments.  It would be false to say otherwise.  I have been moved by His profound love for me.  I don't know what else to say.  Even today that Jesus would condescend to hear my weird little petitions (tonight's was: Lord, I really, really wanted Tex-Mex for dinner.  Please help me to be satisfied by whatever I get instead.  You know what?  He answered that prayer, not later, but right then) just sort of bowls me over with embarrassment.

For starters, I look at King David and look at how bold his prayers are.  In Psalm 7, David claims God as his own defense:
My defense is of God, which saveth the upright of heart. (Psalm 7:10)
Wow.  How do you know you've got the upright heart?  This could really go against you, know what I mean?  Maybe this is Me of Little Faith?  Maybe this is the sister of False Pride, False Humility?

So, what do you do when you are faced with these challenges?  From my mind, God is clearly calling me to something.  I feel uncertain how to discern it.  The answer is prayer, but what prayer?   Can you help me out, dear Readers?


elizabeth said...

can't help you with what prayer - perhaps your spiritual father can though.

i can relate to the temptation though.

Michelle M. said...

When I am struggling, I pray the Jesus Prayer.. constantly. It really helps. I try to pray it slowly, especially to help calm my breathing if I am overly anxious.

I pray things will get easier for you in time.

Matushka Anna said...

I agree with both Elizabeth and Michelle. Sometimes I also realize I'm overthinking something. I'll dwell and dwell on it until I've worked myself up and gone in circles. I guess I'd say, say the Jesus Prayer, try not to worry about it otherwise and talk to your spiritual father about it in confession (lots of worries disappear as soon as you mention them in confession). I don't know if this would help or not.