A Preparation for Confessionn

by St. John of Kronstadt

from our priest via the parish mailing list:

I, a sinful soul, confess to our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ, all of my evil acts which I have done, said or thought from baptism even unto this present day.
I have not kept the vows of my bbaptism, but have made myself unwanted before the face of God.
I have sinned before the Lord by lack of faith and by doubts concerning the Orthodox Faith and the Holy Church; by ungratefulness for all of God's great and unceasing gifts; His long-suffering and His providence for me, a sinner; by lack of love for the Lord, as well as fear, through not fulfilling the Holy Commandments of God and the canons and rules of the Church.
I have not preserved a love for God and for my neighbor nor have I made enough efforts, because of laziness and lack of care, to learn the Commandments of God and the precepts of the Holy Fathers.
I have sinned: by not praying in the morning and in the evening and in the course of the day; by not attending the services or by coming to Church only half-heartedly, lazily and carelessly; by conversing during the services, by not paying attention, letting my mind wander and by departure from the Church before the dismissal and blessing.

I have sinned by judging members of the clergy.
I have sinned by not respecting the Feasts, breaking the Fasts, and by immoderation in food and drink.
I have sinned by self-importance, disobedience, willfulness, self-righteousness, and the seeking of approval and praise.
I have sinned by unbelief, lack of faith, doubts, despair, despondency, abusive thoughts, blasphemy and swearing.
I have sinned by pride, a high opinion of my self, narcissism, vanity, conceit, envy, love of praise, love of honors, and by putting on airs.
I have sinned: by judging, malicious gossip, anger, remembering of offenses done to me, hatred and returning evil for evil; by slander, reproaches, lies, slyness, deception and hypocrisy; by prejudices, arguments, stubbornness, and an unwillingness to give way to my neighbor; by gloating, spitefulness, taunting, insults and mocking; by gossip, by speaking too much and by empty speech.

I have sinned by unnecessary and excessive laughter, by reviling and dwelling upon my previous sins, by arrogant behavior, insolence and lack of respect.
I have sinned by not keeping my physical and spiritual passions in check, by my enjoyment of impure thoughts, licentiousness and unchastity in thoughts, words and deeds.
I have sinned by lack of endurance towards my illnesses and sorrows, a devotion to the comforts of life and by being too attached to my parents, children, relatives and friends.
I have sinned by hardening my heart, having a weak will and by not forcing myself to do good.
I have sinned by miserliness, a love of money, the acquisition of unnecessary things and immoderate attachment to things.
I have sinned by self-justification, a disregard for the admonitions of my conscience and failing to confess my sins through negligence or false pride.

I have sinned many times by my Confession: belittling, justifying and keeping silent about sins.
I have sinned against the Most-holy and Life-creating Mysteries of the Body and Blood of our Lord by coming to Holy Communion without humility or the fear of God.
I have sinned in deed, word and thought, knowingly and unknowingly, willingly and unwillingly, thoughtfully and thoughtlessly, and it is impossible to enumerate all of my sins because of their multitude. But I truly repent of these and all others not mentioned by me because of my forgetfulness and I ask that they be forgiven through the abundance of the Mercy of God.

Pascha is Around the Corner

My 40 days landed smack in the middle of Lent.  As a matter of fact, it will end on Holy Wednesday.  If ever there was a woman who needed time to recover from childbirth, it is I.  Baby I. and I managed to catch what has been dubbed a "hospital acquired infection".  It has spooked me enough to wonder if I shouldn't just home birth next time.  Of course, I should point out that this is the first time in 7 births and 4 different hospitals (and 5 different practices) that I have even had a single complication.  Considering that nearly a quarter of the births in the state of Texas are via cesarian, I feel blessed.


There are many blessings that have touched our lives in the last few weeks, not the least of which has been in the form of sleep.  Mr. Flavius has tolerated and even encouraged me to get as much sleep as possible.  Our parish has once again showered us with love in the form of many meals and generous gifts.  Thank you!


In other news, Pascha is around the corner and I am slowly getting things ready for the big day.  Things like:  finding the cheesemold for the Pascha cheese, buying butter muslin and cheesecloth, locating a source for fresh cream to make butter for the butter lamb,  locating a source for fresh horseradish, setting out the Pascha baskets and covers, collecting bags of yellow onion skins, making or finding fresh kolbasi, mixing my curing seasons for the slanina, collecting my favorite recipes for the hrudka, kolace, and chrin.  But maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about.  Chrin?! Hrudka?!  Is this food or a foot condition?


My husband and I came to the East through one of her more Western doors, the Byzantic Catholic Church.    It is ethnically Carpatho Rusyn  They are a people without a country,  a slavic diaspora, who make up the Byzantine Catholic Church and the American Carpatho-Rusyn Orthodox Diocese here in the United States.  If you have ever celebrated St. Alexis Toth of Wilkes-Barre, you know a Carpatho-Rus.  They are most notably known for their unique and very beautiful plain chant (Prostopinije).  It was through these hymns and through these people that I began to learn to love the East.  Since we converted to Orthodoxy, we have kept those traditions close to us.  


The Pascha basket is something of a big deal in many Orthodox families.  Some people put in their baskets those things which they have given up for Great Lent (cheeseburgers, barbeque, and mead featured prominently in some of the baskets we saw blessed last year).  The Carpatho-Rusyn basket reminds me of a Christian Passover meal.  Our basket is decidedly Rusyn with a few extras.  I always add sweets, Archbishop Dmitri's Pascha, and charoset, a typical Passover staple, because it reminds me to pray for my sister and her husband, who are Jewish, and new this year will be a spare set of car keys.   


Oh, that's nice . . .  wait a minute, Svetlana!  Did I read car keys?!


Why, yes you did.  One of the most wonderful of all our Orthodox traditions is the Paschal liturgy. I like to think of Great Lent and its abundance of services as a sort of Olympic training program.  Slowly warming your muscles and strengthening your body for the greatest feast of the year.  The Paschal liturgy full of solemn beauty and eminently wondrous majesty begins upon the earliest moment of the day at midnight and it when it ends, we feast like it's going out of style.  Last year, our eldest daughter accidentally locked the keys in the car at 3 o'clock in the morning.  We tried everything in our power so as not to have to call a locksmith, but it was to no avail.  By the time the locksmith arrived, the revelry and feasting had been going for quite sometime.  Vodka and wine flowed freely (or as freely as it might within the confines of the church walls, anyway) and so he arrived amidst the shouts, "Christ is risen!" and singing, . . . trampling down death by Death! . . ., and children running through the yard loud and happy.  It was still pitch dark out.  I cannot imagine what he made of this scene.  Anyway, given the Flavius household history with key trouble, it seems warranted.


Here is a typical description of the affair:

After the midnight Paschal Liturgy, we all gather together to bless the Pascha baskets. These baskets have been carefully prepared with many of the foods from which we've been fasting for the past month and a half during Great Lent. There are several foods traditionally included in the basket. These are: a yeast bread, a bitter herb, wine, cheese, meat, butter, salt, and a red egg. Each has symbolic significance:

• Bread: The Easter Bread (pron, paska). A sweet , yeast bread rich in eggs, butter, etc. Symbolic of Christ Himself who is our True Bread as well as a symbol of the New Covenant: the Jews made unleavened bread, and we, the Children of the New Covenant, make leavened bread. Kulich is the traditional Russian bread, and Tsourekia is the traditional Greek braided bread. The braided form of this bread is a display of the Trinity. Sometimes a round loaf baked with a golden crust decorated with a symbol indicative of Christ. Sometimes a cross of dough is placed on top encircled by a plait giving it a crowned effect, or Greek abbreviations for the name of Christ. The letters XB indicate the Slavonic for "Christ is Risen."
• Ham: (Sunka - pronounced shoon-ka) The flesh meat popular with Slavs as the main dish because of its richness and symbolic of the great joy and abundance of Easter. Some may prefer lamb or veal. This is usually well roasted or cooked as well as other meats prepared in advance so that the festivity of the day will not be burdened with preparation and all may enjoy the Feast. Meat is included in remembrance of the sacrifice of the Old Testament Passover, which has been replaced by Christ, the New Passover and Lamb of God. This is directly from the prayers said, we see that the meats represent our Lord Jesus Christ as the Lamb of sacrifice, obeying the will of the Father, as did Abraham who was ready to offer his only son to the command of God.
• Sausage: (Kolbasi - pronounced kol-bus-i) A spicy, garlicy sausage of pork products, indicative of God's favor and generosity
• Bacon (Slanina - pronounced - sla-ni-na) A piece of uncooked bacon cured with spices. Symbolic of the overabundance of God's mercy to us.
• Soft cheese: (Hrudka or Sirets, pronounced - hrood-ka or si-rets) A custard-type cheese shaped into a ball having a rather bland but sweet taste indicative of the moderation that Christians should have in all things. Also, creamed cheese is placed in a small dish and both are decorated with symbols made of cloves or pepper balls.
• Salt: (Sol - pronounced sol') A condiment necessary for flavor reminding the Christian of his duty to others as well as a reminder that we are "the salt of the earth."
• Butter: (Maslo - pronounced ma-slo) This favorite dairy product is shaped into the figure of a lamb or small cross and decorated as the cheese. This reminds us of the goodness of Christ that we should have toward all things.
• Eggs (decorated / colored red): (Pysanky - pronounced - pi-sun-ki) Hard boiled eggs brightly decorated with symbols and markings made with beeswax. Indicative of new life and resurrection. The red egg is likened to the tomb or sepulchre from which Christ arose. As the egg is sealed, but holds life in itself, and that life in the shell breaks it open and comes out as a new life, so was the grave of Christ sealed, but it contained life eternal which burst its seals and gave to us a new eternal life. This is because of the miracle of new life which comes from the egg, just as Christ miraculously came forth from the tomb.
  The red coloring of the egg recalls to us that by the blood of Jesus upon the Cross we were freed from sin and death. Tradition also says that Mary Magdalene gave the first egg to the Roman emperor Tiberius, when she was brought before him and accused of being a Christian. She took the egg and by it demonstrated the belief of Christians in eternal life, and by her presentation, was able to persuade the emperor to stop the persecution of Christians.
• Horseradish: (Chrin - pronounced - khrin) Horseradish mixed with grated red beets. This bitter herb ultimately serves as a reminder of the first Passover (horseradish is eaten as a traditional part of the original Passover meal) and of the bitter sufferings which Christ endured for our sake. Sometimes the herb is colored red with beets, symbolizing the Blood of Christ. The bitter herb is also to bring to mind the Jews' forty years of wandering in the wilderness.
• Tomato / Vegetables
• Candle
• Wine: figurative of all the good things of life, wine reminds us of the earthly gifts that come from God.
• Decorative cloth to cover basket

These articles are placed in a wicker basket and a ribbon or bow is tied to the handle. A decorated candle is placed in the basket and is lit at the time of blessing. A linen cover usually embroidered with a picture of the Risen Christ or symbol with the words "Christ is Risen" is placed over the foods when brought to the church. In some places a large Easter Bread (Paska) is made and brought separately in a large linen cloth. Thus each of the foods in the Pascha basket have rich meaning, as does everything in Orthodoxy. Glory to God!

What traditions do you observe around Pascha?   

Catch up

I'm back. Almost.

The week before I broke my ankle, I had attended Holy Unction.  There were four priest present.  I was seeking healing, grace, mercy, possibly 'magic' that cannot be for a fairly persistent thyroid problem that has been a life long struggle for me.  Anyway, then I fell off that chair and my life was upturned along the way.

The result was that I was immediately put in contact with an amazing endocrinologist.  You know, the answer to your prayers kind of endocrinologist.  For the first time in my life since I became aware of my condition, I have a great! thyroid panel.  I haven't felt this good since I was 10. It's really amazing.  Thanks be to God.

Having energy has assisted in my recovery more than I can express.  Waking up feeling good is such a gift.    I mean, look, I'm 37 weeks pregnant so there are some less than ideal sleep going on and the weather is wreaking havoc on my ankle, but I'm not complaining.  Or at least, when I remember what a gift I've been given, I stop and give thanks.  It's my miracle and I am loving it, but also amazed that Jesus keeps  coming to me when I know He knows my faults and failings better than anyone.

I met with one of my midwifery/obstetric team members today (breaking your ankle just kills your chances of being left well enough alone.  I don't mind the extra attention in this instance though).  I am hoping and praying that they will allow me to go to term and move away from their current recommendation to induce labor.  I have a poor track record as far as labor is concerned; as in, I do not go into labor.  (Ever.  No, really. Just take my word for it.  Seriously.)  I'm hoping for the best as my thyroid has never functioned as well as it does currently.  I'll keep you posted.  I'll get the verdict next week. and let you know.

Our priest and his family joined us yesterday evening for the blessing of our home and dinner.  I cooked.  No really, it's a big deal.  I've made one other meal since coming home.  I love home blessings.  I love the preparation.  The opening of our home, all the rooms, clean, straight and orderly and well lit.  We light all the candles.  The house just glows awaiting the prayers of purification and its own baptism in the waters of the Jordan.

We always forget something.  This year we forgot the the rosemary branches.  They aren't mandatory, but they have their place in the tradition.  Still there is nothing more lovely, more hopeful, more exquisite than the Sacraments (the big ones and the little ones) and they are all my favorite.  And I love this one.  I love all the kids tromping through the house led by the light of the vigil lamp and the priest  and everyone singing and blessing and praising, worshipping all at once.

And after we broke bread together.  Pizza for the kids, and House Blessing Ragu for the grownups. fantastic fellowship and the rowdy bunch.  These are the moments that I want to stay with me for the rest of my life, these blessings, these little moments of friendship.

When You, O Lord were baptized in the Jordan 

The worship of the Trinity was made manifest 

For the voice of the Father bore witness to You 

And called You His beloved Son. 

And the Spirit, in the form of a dove, 

Confirmed the truthfulness of His word. 

O Christ, our God, You have revealed Yourself 

And have enlightened the world, glory to You!

You cannot be too gentle, too kind. Shun even to appear harsh in your treatment of each other. Joy, radiant joy, streams from the face of him who gives and kindles joy in the heart of him who receives.

All condemnation is from the devil. Never condemn each other. We condemn others only because we shun knowing ourselves. When we gaze at our own failings, we see such a swamp that nothing in another can equal it.

That is why we turn away, and make much of the faults of others. Instead of condemning others, strive to reach inner peace. Keep silent, refrain from judgment. This will raise you above the deadly arrows of slander, insult and outrage and will shield your glowing hearts against all evil.

St Seraphim of Sarov (1753-1833)  h/t St. James Kids

You Know What Causes That, Right?

Somehow, when I hit publish half of my original post disappeared.  Please forgive my incoherence.  I'm not sure this made it any better, but the first half has been restored.


Recently, I was waiting at the hospital for a decidedly difficult to find sharp's container when it happened.  I was waiting in the discharge area with several other patients. Usually I can predict who and what form the 'it' is going to take, but that day I was not paying attention as I had already waited for quite sometime and there was no end in sight.

"Is this your first baby?"
"Pardon me?
"You are expecting?  Is this your first pregnancy?"
"Yes, I am.  No, it isn't."
[uncomfortable pause]
"How many children do you have?"
"This will be our seventh."

I know that it can be more startling to hear this news that there is a young, 30-something mother happy to be expecting her seventh child, but I was still taken aback by this particular woman's reaction.  Rising out of her chair, she adjusted the spectacles that balancing on her nose so that she could more effectively examine me.  Her hands struck the desktop with such startling ferocity that several of the other patients jumped in their seats.

"You know what causes that, don't you?"

Up to now, I had only ever encountered a sneer ion the lips of some sinister ne'er do well in the pages of   of some gruesome murder mystery.  I am certain that the tone and expression on this woman's face would live up to everything literary sneering aims to be.

I wish I could pinpoint the moment in time when we became committed to the large family course we've been on for more than a decade.  The most hopeful me would say, our wedding day.  In reality it has been a struggle for each of us.  Sometimes more, sometimes less, but it is a daily conversion for each of us.  Growing in understanding of what exactly is this blessing of children, what it means to being open to to life, being open to God's will.  Just because you decide on paper that you do not want to engage in the so-called 'contraceptive mentality' does not mean that you won't wrestle with what that means from time to time.

After I became pregnant with our third child, the jokes, comments, and questions began to abound regarding when we were going to stop having children.  Three.  It really amazed me that three small children could elicit such powerful emotion and derision.  I was embarrassed, angry! and speechless at the near constant commentary that came from all quarters.  I'm certain that Satan was doing all that poking and prodding and hackle raising.

Actually, mention any spiritual discipline and you will get the same angry response from the same people.  So taking an average group of Christians and non-believers alike and raise the case for tithing or fasting or the blessing of children and you are likely to be met with the same level of vitriol, defensiveness, and rejection of the argument (maybe even a few ad hominem attacks if you are really lucky).  And why is that?  Because the Devil is at work there.  Any time we obey those commandments that cause us to die to self, any small sacrifice that we make towards the building of our treasure in Heaven, anytime we choose LOVE over jealousy, avarice, covetousness, fornication, pride, et cetera our defeated foe makes a furious campaign to overwhelm us.  It can be shocking the venom that snake has ready for us, but there it is.  I used to be much more cautious to call out the Devil on these things, but if it is not the work of Satan then I am at an utter loss as to why my business is of any concern to anyone else.

I had a much beloved professor who used to pound table with both hands and declare, "Children!  If you learn nothing else, you must know!  Evil exists!  It's a fallen world!"  That lovely man saved me more time than I can tell you.  I no longer try to understand the senseless, terrible things that occur in this world.  If events at times seem to arise out of senseless chaos, out of insanity . . .  then it is likely that they do.

So given all this, and the fact that we do have several more children than your average household, I decided several years ago, that I wanted to be a positive witness for marriage, large-than-average families, and for husbands and wives.  I have been through the 5 stages of "you know what causes that" everything from humiliation to cordial silence to barbed comments to funny retorts and finally acceptance.  I know this topic is covered ad nauseum, there's even a song.  As I am rapidly approaching my due date (only 7.5 more weeks) I'm going to throw in my 2 cents:  be a good witness.  If you must say something, smile and say, "yes."  Now unfortunately, this doesn't satisfy everyone, but it will satisfy most.  It was not going to satisfy my cross-examiner that day.  What a bizarre experience, this public trial of sorts as there were many present.  All the same, I was resolved to neither be snarky, nor rude, nor defensive, nor embarrassed.    

"You know what causes that, don't you?"

"Yes. My husband is a wonderful lover."

The coolness and unexpectedness of my comment knocked her off her feet.  And maybe that seems to be a mean or crude joke to play on someone.  But actually, what followed was a frank and lovely conversation about what we consider our vocation.  Gone away was the Angry Sneerer,  scurried off was the venomous snake, all that was left was a room of people who listened and heard, "the grace is bestowed when the blessing is received."

Win-win, I'd say.

New Year Preparations

We are getting ready for the new year and another name day, this time for our youngest son, B.  January 1st is his name day.  Never before has there been a more inflexible menu!  Except we changed a bit this year to accommodate my brother-in-law, J., who is Jewish. C'est la vie!

Every year we celebrate with a sugar spiced ham, black-eyed peas, braised cabbage, cornbread, and lighter-than-air, buttered biscuits.  This year Mama served roast goose.  The crowning glory of the dinner is a rich, aromatic cake called Vasilopita.  It is essentially a pound cake which it is perfumed with oranges and lemons and two spices of mysterious origin, Mahlab- (pronounced mă-HĂ-lăb) the seed kernel of a St. Lucia Cherry, and tears of Chios- resin of the mastic tree. The flavor of the mahlab is something akin to bitter almonds crossed with cherries, while the tears of Chios is very clean smelling, almost antiseptic.  In ancient times this mastic gum was worth its weight in gold, chewed as a remedy against bad breath, and was considered a powerful medicinal drug. Even today its antibacterial properties continued to be studied and it is reputed to kill H. pylori, the bacteria that cause ulcers which can cause stomach cancer.

You could use pre-ground ingredients or commercially prepared extracts, but I like being connected to all the little Greek women of the past, who had to grind their own spices and seasonings for their festal breads and cakes.  I use a heavy brass mortar and pestle.
Here is a little history about St. Basil the Great and the cake or bread baked in his honor from the website, The Vasilopita Coin:

THE HISTORY - This age old tradition commenced in the fourth century, when Saint Basil the Great, who was a bishop, wanted to distribute money to the poor in his Diocese. He wanted to preserve their dignity, so as not to look like charity, he commissioned some women to bake sweetened bread, in which he arranged to place gold coins. Thus the families in cutting the bread to nourish themselves, were pleasantly surprised to find the coins. 

THE MAN - St. Basil was one of the greatest Fathers of the Christian Church and appeared on the spiritual horizon of the Orthodox Faith. He was Bishop of Caesarea, Cappadocia (Asia Minor). He was born four years after the First Ecumenical Council held in the year 325 A.D. Saint Basil was one of the three Cappadocian Fathers of the Church (the others were Gregory of Nazianzus, his best friend, and his brother, Gregory of Nyssa). Saint Basil was the first person in human history to establish an orphanage for little children. He also founded the first Christian hospital in the world. His fame as a Holy Man spread like wildfire throughout the Byzantine world. He was considered one of the most wise and compassionate clergymen in the entire history of the Church. His Feast Day is observed on January 1st, the beginning of the New Year and the Epiphany season. The Church, therefore, in respect for his many contributions to the Church and to mankind in general, combined the joy and happiness of the New Year with the glory of the birth of Christ, and the Epiphany into what is known in the Orthodox Church as the Vasilopitta Observance.

The Vasilopita is a Beautiful Tradition, and a custom which should not be neglected by Greek Orthodox Christians as should perhaps be adopted by all Christians in the Western world. It is such a wonderful way to begin each New Year which God has given to the world. If you have been holding the observance in your home, congratulations 

and please continue to do so! If you have not, please start and keep this glorious family tradition!

Gran and B.

Happy New Year and a joyous feast to you and yours.  God grant my little B. many years in peace, health, and happiness.

Looking Back to Look Forward

In a few short weeks,
I'll return to tending the birds in my nest!

Thank you for your comments.  The Jesus Prayer really is the silver bullet for those things that rise up to frighten you.  I would say defeat, but honestly, if God is for us, who can be against us (Romans 8:32).

I have had visits from my spiritual father preceding Christmas and they are a great comfort.  If you ever land in trouble, call your priest!  Call your spiritual father or mother, avail yourself of the sacraments as never before.  Don't be shy!  Had the Church not considered these things, they never would have created the office of Deacon which has been with us from the beginning.  Saint Stephen, pray for us!

So looking back to look forward a bit, my lovely, amazing, heroic husband, who has persevered against all trials and stumbling blocks that have been thrown his way since the day I left them, took me and five of our six children to Nativity of Our Lord Monastery in Kemp, Texas for the monastery blessing and the hierarchical liturgy.  Now, it was probably too soon for me too make such a long trip, but I loved this day.

We arrived late to the blessing, but on time for the liturgy.  Mother Barbara ushered all the children to the front so that they could see everything.  This was so generous because the chapel was packed and because she trusted the children so much to behave themselves out of their mothers' and fathers' sight.  Happily, the children responded well to this act of faith and were mostly still, very quiet, and exceedingly well behaved.

Look how still and quiet!  Fr. Joseph hardly had to even glance sideways!

Our now four year old, E.- we've celebrated two birthdays and three name days just the last four weeks- spent part of the time sitting in my lap and part of the time playing on the lawn just off the porch.  On a side note, sitting throughout the whole of liturgy was wonderfully strange.  Our parish, like many OCA parishes in the South, has only a few chairs around the perimeter for the elderly and infirm, so we all stand.  Because of the crush of people before and behind me and because of my injury, I was so blessed to be able to just sit and close my eyes and listen and pray in my heart as I have never before.  Well, for a moment.  But that was a powerful moment.

As I have mentioned before that Texas has some strange weather, especially right before the first week or two of January.  It was cold that day, but with a bit of exercise and a jacket, E. stayed warm and happy.  When she got too cold, she snuck in, climbed up into my lap, and then stuck one ice cold hand under my sweater on my bare neck and shoved the other, thumb first, into her mouth.  There she sat until it was time to receive and she willingly went with Mother Barbara to the get in line with her brothers and sisters.    It wasn't long before she came scampering back with hands full of antidoron.  As I had not yet received, I could not accept the blessed bits that she was trying to feed/cram into me, but it was cute.  Afterwards, the deacon traveling with Met. Jonah served me communion so that I did not have to try to use my walker (it's more like very slow skipping on one leg, all hop).  At which point, my wayward little imp had finished her load of blessed bread and was now demanding the piece offered me by the altar servers.  She got half.

Afterwards, we were treated to a lovely luncheon reception at the Cedar Creek Country Club.  The children were given preferential treatment and seated at the tables closest to the the guest of honor, Met. Jonah.  As if that weren't enough, the Metropolitan generously received them all first and gave them blessings and sweet gifts that had been prepared by the local mastushki.  Thank you so much, Met. Jonah!

It was a really beautiful day.  We left the monastery spiritually refreshed.  As I reflect on that day, it fills me with so much joy and happiness.  It reminds me how kind and great our Lord is.  I look forward to being fully reunited with my husband and children in our home.  I cannot wait to cook something, bake something, do something to return all the love that they have shown and given me all these weeks.  

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for revealing my path and salvation.  May I become worthy through Your grace of these blessings.

No Arms, No Legs, No Worries

h/t Choosing to Look East

Nick Vujicic was raised in a devout Serbian Orthodox household. This is a totally inspiring video. Check out this video and thank God for your life!  

As Nick says, "it's a lie to think your not good enough."

Also, go see his website,  Life Without Limbs.  Really amazing.

O' Tannenbaum, O' Tannenbaum, How Lovely Are Your Branches?

I am shamelessly lifting this post wholesale from the very intelligent, Opuscula Theolgica.  This is from the St Tikhon's Orthodox Seminary bulletin.

“I suspect that the custom of decorating a tree at Christmas time is not simply a custom which came to us from the West and which we should replace with other more Orthodox customs. To be sure, I have not gone into the history of the Christmas tree and where it originated, but I think that it is connected with the Christmas feast and its true meaning.

First, it is not unrelated to the prophecy of the Prophet Isaiah:
 ‘There shall come forth a Rod from the stem of Jesse, and a Branch shall grow out of his roots’ (Is. 11:1). St. Cosmas the poet had this prophecy in mind when he wrote of Christ as the blossom which rose up out of the Virgin stem from the stump of Jesse. The root is Jesse, David’s father, the rod is King David, the flower which came from the root and the rod is Theotokos. And the fruit which came forth from the flower of the Panagia is Christ. Holy Scripture presents this wonderfully. Thus the Christmas tree can remind us of the genealogical tree of Christ as Man, the love of God, but also the successive purifications of the Forefathers of Christ. At the top is the star which is the God-Man (Theanthropos) Christ.

Then, the Christmas tree reminds us of the tree of knowledge as well as the tree of life, but especially the latter. It underlines clearly the truth that Christ is the tree of life and that we cannot live or fulfill the purpose of our existence unless we taste of this tree, ‘the producer of life’. Christmas cannot be conceived without Holy Communion. And of course as for Holy Communion it is not possible to partake of deification in Christ without having conquered the devil when we found ourselves faced with temptation relative to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, where our freedom is tried. 

We rejoice and celebrate, because ‘the tree of life blossomed from the Virgin in the cave’.

”

Excerpt from: “The Feasts of the Lord: An Introduction to the 12 Feasts and Orthodox Christology” by Metropolitan of Nafpatkos Hierotheos Vlachos – November 1993
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Akathist Hymn: Glory to God for All Things

Fr. Stephen of Glory to God for All Things has this posted.  It is so moving and beautiful I could not help, but to repost.  Please pay Fr. Stephen's blog a visit as it is much more laudable and worthy of your time than my pitiful scribblings.

ODE 1

Everlasting King, Your will for our salvation is full of power. Your right arm controls the whole course of human life. We give You thanks for all Your mercies, seen and unseen: For eternal life, for the heavenly joys of the Kingdom which is to be. Grant mercy to us who sing Your praises, both now and in the time to come. Glory to You, O God, from age to age.

IKOS 1

I was born a weak, defenseless child, but Your angel spread his wings over my cradle to defend me. From birth until now, Your love has illumined my path, and has wondrously guided me towards the light of eternity. From birth until now the generous gifts of Your Providencehave been marvelously showered upon me. I give You thanks, with all who have come to know You, who call upon Your Name:

Glory to You for calling me into being.
Glory to You, showing me the beauty of the universe.
Glory to You, spreading out before me heaven and earth, like the pages in a book of eternal wisdom.
Glory to You for Your eternity in this fleeting world.
Glory to You for Your mercies, seen and unseen.
Glory to You, through every sigh of my sorrow.
Glory to You for every step of my life’s journey,for every moment of glory.
Glory to You, O God, from age to age.

ODE 2

O Lord, how lovely it is to be Your guest. Breeze full of scents — mountains reaching to the skies — waters like a boundless mirror, reflecting the sun’s golden rays and the scudding clouds. All nature murmurs mysteriously, breathing depths of Your tenderness. Birds and beasts of the forest bear the imprint of Your love. Blessed are you, mother earth, in your fleeting loveliness, which wakens our yearning for happiness that will last forever in the land where, amid beauty that grows not old, rings out the cry: Alleluia!

The Fast Is Upon Us...

I am not a creature of habit.  Actually, quite the contrary.  I create more chaos in any attempt at a routine than anyone I know.  Therefore I am grateful (albeit more reluctantly at some time more than others) for those things that force me out of my entropic repose (because, lazy is my middle name) and into a semblance of a routine.  The kids' school does this.  Of course the first month is sheer panic and havoc for me, but we get there somehow.  My milk co-op does this.  I have to be back before a certain hour so I have to plan my Tuesday carefully and actually act on those plans.  Church does this.  Having a set place to be every Sunday and then some, gets me out amongst people, looking and acting civilized (in addition to all the attendant spiritual benefits).  But more than all of those, the Church Calendar does this.  All the fasts and the feasts have created a spiritual rhythm in my life that always calls me back from wherever I have wandered or gotten stuck.  I get stuck a lot.

The calendar that the Church Fathers set out for us in their holy wisdom, reminds us. Go to confession.  Come to vigil.  Remember the saints.  Prepare for the feast.  Bring your baskets (Pascha), bring your first fruits (Holy Transfiguration), remember your oil (Pascha), your salt, your candles (Presentation of Jesus at the Temple), your jars of water (Theophany), and bless your herbs and flowers (Dormition).  Bless your house (between Theophany and Cheesefare Sunday), bless your many wheeled things (Holy Prophet Elijah), bless your herds, and bless your neighbors and the poor (the feast of St. Phanourious).  Remember to fast.  Repent!  Prepare for the Feast!

I saw a comment on Facebook this week that seem to poo-poo the idea of fasting as a legalism, possibly as something archaic, a superstition.  I'm certain that this was stated in all piety.  I don't know the faith of the individual who drew this conclusion.  I thought about this comment and wished that I spent more time with the Scriptures, more time in my prayer corner, more time in front of the icons, more time in Church, more time repenting the junk yard of sins that I manage to rack up against my salvation.  Despite my wishing, there is no plan to make these things happen, there is just poor, pitiful me, scatterbrained and running like hell to thing to thing to thing.  And so for this reason I like the fast.

During the seasons of fasts, I do stop.  I do plan.  I search the calendar (both parish and Church) for ways to participate more fully.  I make a greater effort to find a way into confession, to vespers, and to Great Vigil.  I am more free and able to say no to parties, activities, and extra school functions.  During the fasts, I find peace in not only the simplified routine, but in simple obedience.  In that obedience we find our salvation.

Does this make sense?

God did not make me a crusader.  He did not make me a pillar among women.  He did not give me great authority or terrible wisdom.  He made me a a fitful, funny thing that grows best with extra support, like a great untrained tomato plant with heavy fruit.  The Lord knows what a mess I am so He does not leave me to my own devices.  Were He to abandon me any fruit I managed to bear would rot or drop off prematurely.  So He has staked out my boundaries and trained me how I should grow and for this I give thanks.

Make ready, O Bethlehem: let the manger he prepared, let the cave show its welcome. The truth has come, the shadow has passed away. Born of a virgin, God has appeared to men, formed as we are and making godlike the garment He has put on. Therefore Adam is renewed with Eve and they call out, "Your good pleasure has appeared on earth to save our kind."

-St Sophronius, Patriarch of Jerusalem

Angel Lush Cake Revisited

It has been far too long since I have brought something to our weekly church coffee hour besides greedy eyes and empty bellies.  This week Mr. Flavius asked if we could make something to end the shuffle o'shame (self-inflicted since no one knows who brings what).  I generally have tried to make main courses, but due to financial constraints I was forced to think outside of the box.

Which oddly enough, led me to a box, several boxes actually, and a few cans as well.  Apparently when people look for thrifty potluck recipes it lands them smack dab in the middle of processed food from a box territory.  And while that is fine, I just do not feel like that $1 package of Cool Whip and 99¢ package of vanilla pudding are really saving me all that much money and are shorting me on quality for sure.  On the other hand, store bought Angel Food Cake is totally worth my money, because 1) I do not possess the proper pan and 2) I am looking to maximize my easy moments these days.

I substituted Italian pastry cream (which you could substitut your favorite homemade vanilla pudding recipe, but this is one I make often) for the instant pudding and whipped cream for the tubs of Cool Whip.  What I ended up with was a lovely, thrifty sweet potlucky treat.  I hope you will try it.

Italian Pastry Cream
Prep time: 3 minutes
Cook Time: 10 minutes

6 tbsp. AP flour
3/4 c. sugar
2 c. of milk
6 yolks
1 tbsp of your desired flavoring (as fancy or not fancy as you like: vanilla, cognac, rum, orange liqueur, brandy, Soho, Kahlua ...)
a pinch of salt

Reserving the flavoring and 1/2 cup of milk, place all ingredients in a medium sauce pan over medium heat and whisk vigorously or use a stick blender, until the yolk and flour have completely combined.  With a whisk or a silicon spatula, stir frequently, scraping the bottom and sides of the pan to prevent the custard from scorching.  When the custard begins too thicken noticeable, remove from heat and stir vigorously (I use the stick blender here as well).  When it looks like a pot of thick pudding, your done!  Feel free to return to heat as necessary to continue thickening the custard.  Slow and steady is far better than quick and scorched.
When your custard is ready, strain through a fine mesh sieve and place a piece of plastic wrap on the surface of the custard and leave it to cool to room temperature before refrigerating.  The plastic will prevent a skin from forming on your custard.  You can also sprinkle a teaspoon of sugar on top, but I find it thins the custard over time.

**If you are in a hurry, chill over an ice bath (TIP!: add a goodly amount of salt to your ice water to speed up the process.  It will cut your time by half).

Whipped Cream

1 pint of heavy cream

In the bowl of an stand mixture (or using an electric hand mixture), pour the cream.  Using a whisk attachment, turn the mixture on low speed until bubble form on the surface of the cream.  Slowly turn up the speed, a little bit at a time as you watch the volume of the air increase.  When your cream has soft peaks and hills, turn off the mixer.  Pay attention, because otherwise you'll have churned butter!

Angel Lush Cake
Time to Assemble: >15 minutes

1/2- 20 ounce can of crushed pineapple
1 recipe of pastry cream or 2 cups of vanilla pudding
3 cups of whipped cream
2 Angel Food Loaf Cakes- sliced 3/4" thick
1- 20 ounce can of mandarin oranges
1 box of raspberries

Fold the whipped cream and crushed pineapple into the custard.   In a large 9x13 casserole, place slices of angel food cake in a single layer.  Cover with half of the pineapple mixture.  Add the second layer of angel food cake slices.  Cover with remaining pineapple mixture.  Top with mandarin slices and raspberries (or any fruit of your choosing, peach or apricot halves, pineapple rings, citrus suprêmes, lychees and kiwi, strawberries, instant espresso powder and cocoa. . .).  Let your creative juices flow!  


Sorry for no picture, I was running like a crazy woman this morning.  I am making it again for my girls who missed out while they were at the Grands.  I'll shoot away then.

A Beautiful Tribute from a Son to His Father

"At home Father Alexander never told us to “go to church,” or that “you must fast,” or “do it this way,” never. Simply, he did what he had to and we found ourselves drawn to those things which were important to him. I can’t say we spent as much time in church as he did, but our joy in the services came entirely from him. In our house the guiding principle of churchly life was the example of my father. My father is fasting quietly, without insisting that anyone else does so, and instinctively we begin fasting as well, after all, we can’t let him fast alone! It was important for him, and thus it became important for us... With him everything was cozy, he was always extremely joyous. If we arose in the morning in foul spirits and saw that he was happy and energetic – with him each day began this way – then his attitude infected us all... He always fought against the reduction of Christianity simply to forms and rules. It, in fact, liberates man from the narrowness of forms and rules and Father Alexander saw in Christianity the freedom of the person and love, and in his lectures, writings, sermons, always sought to reveal the deeper meaning of all things occurring in the Church. He never oversimplified, seeking in each person the very complex arena of struggle between good and evil... [H]is theology was marked above all by the element of freedom. His Christianity is that of Christ, for precisely He gave us freedom. All church rules, after all, can acquire a certain independent life of their own, totally detached from God. Father Alexander knew this all too well, which is why he never began from rules. For him all things begin with faith in God, which leads to an order of life, and not the other way around." 


-Serge Schmemann on his father, Alexander. 


h/t Ora et Labora

Artos

I am making the artos for church.  It is not going well.  I will have to start over.  I hate starting over.  Please.  If you read this and there are hours left in the day, pray for me.

Oh! Logismoi!

I was driven from sleep and not long thereafter, my bed, by the flood of anxiety-inducing, mind spinning, thought-racers, logismoi (log-iss-MEE).


For the uninitiated, it goes something like this:


What if?What if!  I bet she thinks that, if she said that to me then I would say this! And then in typical fashion she would respond with 'X' and I would say [insert brilliant remark here].  And that would show her.


Or more commonly:


Hmm.  I'm awake.  The baby hasn't woken up yet.  What time is it?  I'm afraid to look.  What if he isn't breathing?  What if I heard his not breathing and that's what woke me up?  I'm afraid to look.  Should I get out of bed and go over there?  I can't.  He'll wake up or worse not wake up.  Maybe I should wake up Mr. Flavius and get him to check.  Mr Flavius is snoring.  Snoring can be a sign of sleep apnea.  Does he have sleep apnea?  Maybe that's why he does [insert random idiosyncratic tick].  Maybe I should wake him up?  He could check on the baby. Whatwasthat?!  Was that the dog?  Does the dog have fleas?  Fleas carry parasites.  Parasites are so gross.  Can they get in your epicardium?    

This is my brain on logismoi if I do nothing.

The logismoi is the unending stream of thoughts that are always with us.  Freud called this the id and ego, but I truly think that this was giving it too much legitmacy.  Freud believed the ego was the 'I' and the id was the impulse drive behind the 'I.'  The fathers talk about the nous and the logismoi.  Simply put the nous is the heart or the eye of the soul and the logismoi is

the thoughts which are connected with images as well as with the various stimulations originating from the senses and the imagination. The thoughts logismoi evolve to sin through the stages of desire, action and passion. They are called logismoi because they act in the reason (logiki).

~Metropolitan Hierotheos of Nafpaktos

The Fathers would say the nous, the heart is the 'I' and the mind, full of this logismoi, is the thing that distracts us from our authentic selves.  That most of us do not know ourselves and misidentify the authentic self as this stream of consciousness is sad.  It makes the rise of stream of consciousness as a writing technique and therapeutic tool even more sad.  Is there no place that we have not given over to our lowest passions?  But this is the deal, right?


In reading the Fathers, speaking with my priest, and listening to the podcast of Archmandrate Meletios Webber there is but one consistent answer:  prayer.

I am a particularly lazy woman and sometimes (okay, let's be honest:  all of the time) I would rather stay in bed and drown in this dross rather than struggle against it.  Were it not for the anxiety actually causing me to twitch and fidget, thus giving rise to my other great anxiety and physically driving me out of bed and then my bedroom I might actually succeed in drowning in the dross.  And once out of bed I find myself with 3 choices:  the Interwebs:  Extra! Extra!  Google all about it!  Logismoi drowns woman searching internet for endocardiac-parasytic-infections-from-fleas-related-to-sleep-apnea!  TV, to drown out the logismoi and avoid the struggle.  Or finally, the Icon Corner, to wrestle with our defeated foe and throw myself on Christ's mercy.  I wish I could say that I chose Door #3 more often.  Struggle, struggle, struggle. 

I have nothing particularly enlightening to say here about all of this other than to say that Metropolitan Jonah says that when in the course of your struggle you feeling like things are getting worse then it means you're actually getting better.  Maybe it is because we are actually engaged in the struggle.  Fr. Joseph Huneycutt related a story about some-holy-father-whose-name-escapes-me, who said that "when the Devil with his temptations keeps pricking, pricking, pricking at me . . .  I thank him.  'Thank you for reminding me of my Lord.  I had forgotten him, but for your reminding me'."  He went on to say that after that the Devil will leave you because even he will not work for free and bring benefit to your soul. I like what Fr. Stephen of Glory to God for All Things has written about it and I invite you to go read what someone, who is far smarter and holier than I, has said about it.